


Alive

by misato



Category: Free!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gentle Sex, M/M, Masturbation, Smut, Top Nanase Haruka, i love haru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-28 00:36:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15696591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misato/pseuds/misato
Summary: The bathwater always cools too quickly; never ice cold like a swimming pool or steaming hot like an onsen, but tepid. Lukewarm. An in-between, a numbness, a silver medal smile, an unreadable expression, cherry blossoms two days late -- strewn dirty over the sidewalk.The water is tepid. Uncomfortably so.He’s been laying there too long, thinking of things that shouldn’t be thought about.





	Alive

**Author's Note:**

> this ship is dead but this fic isn't (get it, bc it's called...haha... h a ha..)

The bathwater always cools too quickly; never ice cold like a swimming pool or steaming hot like an onsen, but tepid. Lukewarm. An in-between, a numbness, a silver medal smile, an unreadable expression, cherry blossoms two days late -- strewn dirty over the sidewalk. 

The water is tepid. Uncomfortably so. 

He’s been laying there too long, thinking of things that shouldn’t be thought about. 

He sighs without realizing it, then stares down at his hands. His fingertips are wrinkled.

He needs to get up.

The water stirs at Haruka stands up in the bathtub, reaching for a towel and drying his damp hair. His swimsuit drips rivulets onto the bath mat as he steps out of the tub, and he tugs it down over his waist and kicks it off, lets it lay on the floor. It’ll probably stay there for the next week.

He walks what feels like a mile to his bedroom and crawls under the sheets of his bed, shaking off the thought that laying in his bed naked is no less depressing than laying in the bathtub.

It’s not as if he has any real reason to be depressed.

Whenever he bothers to check his phone, he’s usually got a couple of texts from Makoto, checking on him with cat pictures and friendly conversation starters that Haru  _ would  _ respond to, if he had the energy.

And Nagisa and Rei, they’re sweet, always inviting him to brunches and stuff, but Haruka always has trouble keeping plans, so he never makes them.

The invitations haven’t stopped, and neither have the texts -- his friends are trying.

It’s him.

He’s being pessimistic and unfriendly.

That’s it.

Haruka shuts his eyes, listens to the air flooding in and out of his lungs, thinks about holding his breath and dropping to the bottom of a swimming pool and acting as if he’s forgotten how to swim.

***

Rin’s blow drying his hair and Kou yells across the hall for him to shut it off; she’s on the phone with a friend and he’s being  _ so  _ loud.

Rin grumbles and switches it off and runs a hand through his mostly dry hair.

He yawns and makes a beeline for his bed, flopping on top of the sheets.

It’s too hot for covers.

His tanktop hangs loosely over his shoulders, and the fan in his room hums.

There’s sweat on his forehead, and he shoves his bangs back, reaches for the cluster of bobby pins on his bedside table, and clips back his hair.

It’s too hot to jerk off too, even if Rin is frustrated as all hell.

Heat pools in his stomach, hotter than the sidewalks outside, and Rin changes his mind.

He slides off the bed and rummages under his bed for the shoebox he keeps there. Opening it, he finds the familiar bottle of lube -- nearly empty, and a couple condoms -- nearly expired.

He already fingered himself open a little in the shower, but he’s itching for something more.

_ Dick,  _ his brain supplies.

Yeah. That.

Rin pops his headphones into his computer, pulls up an incognito window, and uncaps the bottle.

It’s only after a few minutes of guys pounding messily into each other that Rin realizes he’s staring into space as he fucks back onto his fingers. He’s fantasizing about Haru again.

He misses him.

They’ve slept together once -- and Rin’s fucked what feels like thousands of guys, but Haru’s the one that sticks in his throat like a bad cold.

He shudders, his other hand tracing over his dick as he rocks backward.

Haru, Haru, Haru. Rin imagines saying it out loud, watching the blush darken in Haruka’s cheeks, cherry blossom stained, then rose-colored, deep and beautiful.

And oh, Haru, with that determined expression on his face, pushing him gently against the bed and moving in and out of him until Rin’s begging him to go faster, harder, rougher. Haru, always so desperate to please. The smack of their skin together like the slap of two hands in unison against the wall of a swimming pool.

He slams his laptop shut with his free hand -- forget the porn -- and begins stroking himself in earnest, eyes squeezed shut.

When he comes, his lips ghost around Haruka’s name.

***

Haru wakes up in the middle of the night to a text. He decides it’s probably another one of those wholesome memes Makoto likes, so he unlocks his phone, only to see a message from Rin.

_ Rin: Hey. You up?  _

Haru bristles beneath the covers. It’s strange. Rin is the only thing left that can make him feel. But it’s not a good feeling, exactly. The numbness ebbs away as he sits up in bed.

_ Haru: yeah. i am now. _

He doesn’t have to wait long for a response.

_ Rin: Miss you. _

Haru drops his phone. It slides off the bed and he scrambles onto the floor to grab it.

_ Haru: why? _

_ Rin: Just thinking. I like swimming with you. _

_ Haru: swimming. yeah right _

_ Haru: we can do more than swim _

_ Haru: i mean _

_ Haru: not that _

_ Haru: sorry _

He can barely breathe.

_ Rin: I wouldn’t mind doing more than swimming. _

The winky face isn’t there, but Haruka can imagine Rin’s expression, can remember his sharp teeth glinting in the light of the streetlamp outside his house after they’ve kissed. Horribly prideful and oh so sexy.

_ Haru: maybe later this week. i’m not doing great rn _

Maybe that’s too honest, but Haru and Rin are nothing if not truthful with each other. Even if the truth hurts.

_ Rin: What’s wrong? _

The next two texts come rapidfire. Rin’s worried. When Rin’s worried, he lets you know.

_ Rin: I can come over now.  _

_ Rin: Not for more than swimming. For hanging out. I’ll kick your ass in Mario Kart. _

Haruka sighs.

_ Haru: ok _

_ Haru: sure _

_ Rin: See you soon. _

Haru gets dressed at two in the morning in his last clean pair of underwear.

***

Rin knocks on his door while Haru’s dumping the last T-shirt into the washing machine.

He’s still shirtless -- nothing he owns is all that clean -- but he answers the door. No need to be decently dressed. They’ve known each other their whole lives.  Plus, swimming doesn’t involve shirts, most of the time.

Rin still stares when he opens the door.

He has eyes that could pierce through just about anything; they’re dark and enticing, and Haru feels silly in just his underwear all of a sudden.

“Hi,” Rin says, like he’s not gawking at Haru’s exposed abdomen.

“Mario Kart?” Haru says, in the least casual voice he’s ever mustered.

(Haru isn’t one for sounding nonchalant, especially in front of guys who are  _ that  _ handsome. And Haru seems to exclusively hang out with pretty boys.)

Rin nods and they step inside in silence.

“Want a drink?” Haru asks, because that’s what you ask when you have nothing to say.

“Of what?” Rin snorts. “I’m not really in the mood to get wasted, Haru, but-”

Haru shrugs, and his eyebrows scrunch like he’s somewhere between angry and amused. Like he’s not sure if Rin is joking.

“I love when you get that look on your face,” Rin says, and laughs. “And no, I’m not thirsty.”

“You sure?” Haru asks.

“I’m sure,” Rin says. “Set up the game. I’m gonna win this time, for real.”

Haru ends up picking Rosalina, and Rin picks Bowser, and they play a few maps without much conversation.

They sit on the couch, so close that Haru can smell Rin’s flowery shampoo that he steals from his sister, but not too close that he and Rin won’t pull a “no homo” the next morning. 

Haru keeps hoping that Rin will pause the game, pull that old yawning trick you always see in the movies, and he’ll have an arm slung around his shoulder in no time.

Maybe he’s just lonely. Or touch starved. ( _ Or in love -- no,  _ still  _ in love _ , he thinks, but he pushes that thought away with a blue shell.)

“Fuck,” Rin says in English, as his Kart spins across the road.

Haru zooms past the finish line.

“You always win,” Rin scoffs, and the words hold more weight than they should.

Haru pauses the game and drops his controller.

“I’m tired,” he says.

He isn’t. He’s been sleeping all day.

“Have you eaten today?” Rin says, and Haru shakes his head. 

“No.”

“Jeez,” Rin says. “I’m gonna tell your boyfriend to start bringing you lunchboxes every day.”

He stands and heads for the kitchen.

“I’ll make you food now, though.”

It’s only after the mackerel’s sizzling in the pan that Haru realizes that Rin just referred to Makoto as his boyfriend. 

He doesn’t catch the jealousy that his voice is tinged with, though.

“All done,” Rin says, handing Haru a plate. 

“Thanks,” Haru says, and eats it all, even though he’s not hungry. He’d feel bad not finishing it.

“Want me to go home?” Rin asks, putting the dish in the sink. 

There’s already a stack there, but Rin doesn’t mention it.

“Why?”

“You said you were tired.”

“A little,” Haru says, stalling.

“That’s okay,” Rin says. “I had fun.”

“Me too.”

“Get some rest,” he says, and kisses Haru’s forehead.

Haru flushes, and opens his mouth as if to say something.

“Aw, shit, sorry, that was stupid,” Rin stutters out. “See ya, Haru.”

He doesn’t meet his eyes as he heads for the door.

“Wait,” Haruka says.

He doesn’t like the lukewarm, the tepid.

He doesn’t want more in-betweens, more shitty goodbyes -- he wants live-wire touches, gold medal orgasms, shark-sharp grins, early spring swimming pool dives that shock you with the chill.

“I missed you too,” he manages to say.

“Oh, thank God,” Rin says, and their mouths are hot against each other.

***

“You, uh, prepared for this?” Haru says, as he pushes his fingers into Rin.

“No,” Rin says, clenching around Haru. “I just fingered myself earlier. Total fucking coincidence, babe.”

Haru shivers at the pet name.

“I was thinking about you, though.”

And there’s that gleaming smirk. Haru’s hips writhe on the bed.

“I’ve wanted you back inside me for so long,” Rin says, arching his neck back luxuriously.

Haru all but lunges for the exposed skin, diving in and sucking and biting beneath the fabric of Rin’s loose tank top.

“Careful, you’ll mark me up. The guys are gonna see,” Rin murmurs, and Haru pulls back, his eyes flashing with nervousness.

Then Rin laughs, too loud in contrast with the soft rustle of the sheets and the slick sound of Haru’s fingers inside of him.

“I want them to see,” he says. “Ha-ru-ka.”

He draws out the syllables of his name in a deep purr, and Haru whimpers.

“Fuck me,” Rin says, and he lets the other’s fingers slip out so that his dick can replace them. “C’mere, Haru, let me have you, please, Haru, I love you.”

Haru nearly stops breathing.

“Do you?”

The anxiety is blaring in his head now, like a newscaster during a disaster, his words hanging in the air like storm clouds, and he’s asking himself why he would ask, why he would ask, why he would-

Rin doesn’t move.

His expression softens at Haruka’s fearful eyes, held breath.

“Yeah,” he says softly, truthfully. “Yeah, I do. I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same about me, Haru. We can just--”

He moves, as if to pull away, but the friction is too much and Haru yelps.

“I love you, Rin,” Haru says firmly, regaining his composure, and finally,  _ finally  _ thrusts in hard.

The sound Rin makes is far too loud for 4am sex.

“Oh, fuck me,” Rin says. “Please, Haru, please. You’re doing perfect.”

He talks too much, but Haru doesn’t talk much, so it balances out. Still, he’d like to try. It feels good when Rin talks to him like that.

“You’re beautiful, Rin,” Haru says, in a voice that comes out too shy, too quiet.

Rin moans, hands wandering to his dick so that he can touch himself, but Haru, brave, says,

“Don’t.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath, and Rin’s eyes go dark and heavy-lidded in the dim light.

“You like that?” Haru says, more of a real question than a teasing one.

“Yeah, babe. Tell me what to do.”

And Haru can’t think of what to say but,

“Kiss me.”

Rin captures his mouth deeply, swearing against his lips and rutting his cock between their stomachs.

He gasps, barely breathing. 

“Haru, tell me I can finish, please, just-”

“Come for me, Rin.”

Rin trembles, collapsing and clenching around Haru as he finishes.

It’s intense, a tsunami in a swimming pool, and Haru swims through it, guiding him through his orgasm until he reaches his own.

Haru gets sleepy after he comes, snuggling into Rin’s chest and refusing to move.

“Let me clean you up, babe,” Rin murmurs, and Haru drifts in and out of sleep as he hears the bathroom sink run.

A damp towel runs over his stomach and thighs, and Haru’s eyes stay closed, relaxing under Rin’s gentle touch.

“I love you,” Rin whispers quietly, his voice still rough, and then Haru feels a kiss pressed to his forehead. “I love you, Nanase.”

He hears him move away, and then there’s the sound of the shower turning on, and he sinks down into sleep in a bed that smells like Rin and nothing else.

***

Haru ends up going to brunch with Nagisa and Rei the next morning. 

He texts Makoto back.

He’s having dinner with Rin on Friday.

He does a second load of laundry, and a third.

He picks up his swimsuit off the bathroom floor.

He’s still depressed, but he’s pushing himself to stay awake, to get dressed, to feel alive.

He feels alive.

 

**Author's Note:**

> leave a kudos if you're nice :)


End file.
